My hatred towards the world is undeniably greater than love and passion that I've been looking for,as this love is not just merely between two or more individuals,but this love sort of encompasses the greenery environment,animals,planets,moments(either good or bad) and every little precious thing that most of us have taken granted for in this life.I have no idea on how to suppress my hatred..as it always been inside me..its just part of me..and so far im quite neutral about my journey..and been looking forward to travel and experience greater adventure..this sort of adventure is not just a physical adventure..but also it is a spiritual,emotional,logical and sensible adventure that ive been wanting for in this life..i really want this..if money is everything for some people..this kinda adventure is everything for me...and i would feel threaten if anyone try to stop me from having this adventure..and i am feeling this way..because of my mother..i have no excuse to deny that she is one of the important person in my life,and whatever she says is something to be taken into account in any decision that i wanna make in this life..and even in my culture,she deserve the first and foremost right above anyone else...So,as a mother,some how I think she has this some sort of typical type A mom disease(very concern,try to dig every single thing in their childrens life in any way),which is not so severe though,and she's been desperately wanting me to 'settle down' as in get married..which is i appreciate as she thinks of my benefit and probably my happiness..But,I feel threatened because I dont wanna get married at the moment,and if only I wanna it,I would wanna marry someone that has similar goal like me(as my teacher said,look for someone's goal as goal is pretty much is influenced by that person's belief and determination)..But,its very hard to get my mother to understand this as i explain again n again..well maybe because i didnt explain it in a good way..because my perspective of life and happiness is probably just a little bit more than what ppl surround me and I used to...well..its beyond than going to university,getting a degree,buying a flash house,buying flash cars,and making sure that my children would do something like that or more than that..I believe that success and happiness is more than that..and I am still trying my best to implement this universal principle in my life..it is a challenge for me..and I'm hoping i would get there..and this sort of adventure that ive been hoping for is the way for me to let me living the way I would wanna it to be..I feel very threatened and also mad and angry and disappointed..like'why cant she understand me??why cant she listen to me???!'..and this anger is like breaking all glasses in this world,killing someone with a samurai sword,running away from home,and shouting as loud as i can..i am so angry...actually im angry with idzuadi(he tried to 'propose').He is just someone that i hardly know and suddenly emailed me saying wanna marry me..i replied saying no and kinda hope that he understand very well of my decision..and surprisingly,he asked his mother to contact my mother regarding this marriage proposal!!!!!!!!!!!!what the hell????i am so mad...i really dont get it!!!!..if i said no it means no!there is no space of 'maybe','maybe not','maybe yes',when i said no!!!!why is it hard to understand!!!!!!!!???????do i need to yell!!!!!?????????i have a loud voice when i talk in a normal rate of speech..so why the hell cant u understand that i said no is no???????????u dont even know me and my goal,so just shut d F up!!!!i am so mad at idzuadi as if i know boxing i would definitely have kicked and punched this guy!!!!!!u already pushed my button and its the wrong one!!!!!and this anger is not just a superficial one..its deeper than that..u have no idea of how mad i am...that if there is a big ocean in front of me..and if i have the power to do so..i would definitely gather all the waves and let u drown in the ocean!!!this is my path...and ur path is somewhere else there!!!!!!!get it???!!!!!!!!bangang!!
2 comments:
Hey gal i read ur blog. I am indeed surprised that its that guy again. I think he din get ur msg hard enough. Well dun bother . now ur part is with mum. U know she is really trying hard to get u to settle. did u explain to her that u wanna marry someone who has similar goals as u . tell her that at least she has to understand that u are no longer against marriage but want to only if ur goals match.
explain again. i understand how angry u are towards that guy man. but he has done wat he wanted to do. no one can do anything abt that. people like u say wanna push and force!!! Ur mother is finding it difficult as well i think , to make u understand that u have to settle soon so she can be in peace. so tell her u need some time. u will definitely marry , but in time. u have to discuss the period with her. wat ur plans are? what would she say to it? wat does she think abt it? ADVENTURE surely in this life is personal and how far one wants to go for that really depends on circumstances. -for a girl- family, job, responsibilities, safety, risks.. everything . ur parents would think of all these. so just be patient. calm down. Listen to what your other friends tell u . think and take time. Dont get upset. There will be a solution to everything and everything will work out right eventually.
Prabha
hey girl..thanx for ur thoughts..but seriously girl..if i tell my mom she wont understand..she is usually against most of things that i want..and even if i tell her my reason and goals..she wont allow me!!!!!i dont think i can ride bike in malaysia!!or walk for 3 years with arthur!!i mean why?whats the point of telling her if i knew she wont allow me????what a life.
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